We created a GatheringUs memorial to celebrate the life of Kiko. Collecting your stories and memories here will offer us great comfort. We welcome any pictures, stories, and messages you may want to share. We do not intend to host a funeral for Kiko, so we hope to share this with all of you as we mourn the... see moreWe created a GatheringUs memorial to celebrate the life of Kiko. Collecting your stories and memories here will offer us great comfort. We welcome any pictures, stories, and messages you may want to share. We do not intend to host a funeral for Kiko, so we hope to share this with all of you as we mourn the lost of our loved one.
Another year gone by, the last couple have not been easy. Luckily, you brought us Miko, who I use to cope and mask my problems. Happy almost birthday boy!!
Never forgotten, always be with us. Thank you for the memories, lessons, and the gift of Miko. We’ve all learned to be better dog owners because of you, we’ll continue what we couldn’t with you through Miko.
To recover I must be able to relive the few hours of that day and be at peace. While I'm a long way from recovery, it has to start. If anyone is reading this and is not ready, you may want to skip this one for the graphic contents it includes.
At... moreTo recover I must be able to relive the few hours of that day and be at peace. While I'm a long way from recovery, it has to start. If anyone is reading this and is not ready, you may want to skip this one for the graphic contents it includes.
At around 4pm Thursday the Vet called with the ultrasound results. Melody
and I knew it wouldn't be good, but it didn't cross our minds that Kiko would not make it home that night. The vet gave the results and said surgery is the only hope of curing him. He explained that Kiko's gall bladder will or has already ruptured, and will soon if not already be very painful. I asked him how risky the surgery is for a 13 yr old dog and the success rate of the surgery itself. He explained it would take a specialist to perform the surgery, but the surgery is a big one and even assuming it is successful, the road to recovery would be long and difficult for Kiko. On top of that, the surgery would only solve 1 of the 3 problems Kiko had. I started to tear up and Melody left the room because she couldn't hear it anymore. I asked the vet if surgery is not performed, can Kiko have any meds to ease his pain so he can live the last chapter of his life and go slowly? The vet said what Kiko had was an emergency that required surgery immediately.
By now Melody had returned to the room and I said "I know you are a vet, but I'm asking you as a professional and also a pet owner, what would you do?" He said "I would put him down". I told him we need to think it over, I'll
call you back but I can barely finish the sentence.
I hung up and looked at Melody. She was the strong one and said In tears we promised we wouldn't let him suffer. If the end must come, we'd rather it be one day early than one date too late. The next questions were do we bring him home that night? Or do we put him down the same night? Are we going to be present when the euthanasia is performed? I told Melody let's bring him home for one last night, and we'll both be there when it happens. She broke the news to the kids and I can hear them crying half way across the house.
I called the vet back to give him our decision, and asked him to give Kiko
pain meds to make sure he wouldn't be in too much pain for the rest of the
night. The vet said ok, but stuttered that the meds available will only be
strong enough to last for a few hours. By then, I really don't know or care
what he was saying anymore. He said he'll find something for Kiko to ease
his pain and call me back. After we got off the phone, melody asked me
whether I sensed from his tone that we shouldn't bring Kiko home at the
expense of his suffering. I called the vet back and asked him bluntly. I
said "I got the feeling form your tone that bringing Kiko home is only for
us... given his conditions, it is not best for him to go home that night because the meds would not last him through the night?" He said every pet owner is different, some need to spend the final night together for the closure and some don't. However, the meds are indeed not strong enough for the entire night. I paused for a few seconds and told him if the end must
come then the least we can do is not let him suffer, let's do it tonight....
He explained the process was to first pick the urn and pay over the
phone, then come in for the euthanasia and we are free to go afterwards. I was numb by now, but I understood immediately these are all
things we should do prior, because we'll be devastated afterwards. He
transferred me to the nurse, who immediately sent me a link for the types of urn and asked what message I wanted to write on it? Melody and I blanked out, and just picked a random one and said to write "Kiko" on it. I then gave my credit card info over the phone. I now realize the world doesn't
stop for you at a time like this, it's only our world that stopped at the
moment.
I hung up and walked to the piano room to tell Kaylee, who was still under the impression that had one more night to say goodbye to Kiko. I explained to her that Kiko is in pain and it would be selfish for us to bring him home at the expense of his suffering. I didn't have the heart to tell her bluntly that we have to instead put him down that night, my tears were already running but once again Melody came to the rescue and broke the news. I asked both kids whether they wanted to go. Kaylee said no and Jayden initially said no. Jayden then changed his mind and said yes while Kaylee insisted on no. Truth is, it didn't really mattered what they said. We couldn't bring them to put Kiko down, because we knew even we were not going to be able to handle it. less
Today marks the end of the first week since Kiko’s passing. While it’ll take some time for me to completely recover, I realize it’s time to move on. Starting today, I will choose to remember all the wonderful happiness that Kiko brought us,... moreToday marks the end of the first week since Kiko’s passing. While it’ll take some time for me to completely recover, I realize it’s time to move on. Starting today, I will choose to remember all the wonderful happiness that Kiko brought us, instead of sobbing on the fact that he is no longer with us. I look outside the window hoping to see some kind of symbolism for rebirth. A butterfly, clouds coming together to form Kiko’s face In the sky, birds flying, any positive signs to help boost my new outlook but I see nothing. However, as soon as I close my eyes I realize I don’t need any of these images, because when I close my eyes and think of Kiko, the image I see is one of happiness and peace. I know Melody and I made the best decision for him, I’m just having a hard time letting go.
To cope with that maybe it’s best not to let go. Why do I have to force myself to face that he’s gone? While his physical form is not here anymore, his presence, his belongings, and his memories are all with us. Instead of letting go I will do the opposite, I will surround my life with Kiko, he’ll continue to remain as a part of our family. We will and have already ordered a bunch of Kiko related items. Anything from Kiko photos, keychains, plush toys, pillows to a lifelike replica of him. It may be excessive to others, but it’s not nearly enough for us as we continue our lives with him. less
Last night was the first night I did not sleep well since the day. To my surprise, I fall asleep quite easily at night these days. Maybe it’s the fatigue of my eyes, or there’s a part of me that wants to go to sleep so I can forget reality for a few... moreLast night was the first night I did not sleep well since the day. To my surprise, I fall asleep quite easily at night these days. Maybe it’s the fatigue of my eyes, or there’s a part of me that wants to go to sleep so I can forget reality for a few hours, I don’t know. Kiko taught me a lot, there’s a lot of wisdom in that old man behind the curly hair and droopy ears. He taught me how to deal with death, something that I’ll inevitably have to come across more often as I age. He taught me to be a better husband, father, son, brother, and friend, his passing was a reminder that I suck at all these relationships. He taught me many things about myself too. I always imagined that when he passed, Melody would be devastated and I would be really sad, but can still hold it together to comfort her. Truth is we are both equally devastated, we take turns each day but between us we are managing to get by. He taught me it’s fine to be vulnerable, evident by these daily logs of me spilling my guts. He taught me to seize the day, because any day, really any day can be the last day. I know his final lesson for me is life will go on, I thank him for showing me how to grow up. less
Mornings are toughest for Melody and I. As soon as a bit of sunlight hits my eyelids, reality races in. I don’t even have to open my eyes, my first thought every morning is you are no longer there. I’ve always known, but I now feel why people use... moreMornings are toughest for Melody and I. As soon as a bit of sunlight hits my eyelids, reality races in. I don’t even have to open my eyes, my first thought every morning is you are no longer there. I’ve always known, but I now feel why people use alcohol to numb themselves at times of grief, all we want is to prolong a part of our day when we can hide from reality. However, I will not use alcohol and hide. Instead, I’ll face reality head on. I’ll allow myself to grief a bit longer, I know my road to recovery will have to start by winning mornings.
I walk outside of my room each morning and see impressions of vomit from that morning on the carpet. I look at it from different angles, even though it pains me to see it. I’ve cleaned the spots numerous times already, but I can still see them vaguely. I then start to wonder whether the stains are really there? Or is it just me that wants to see the stains there? I really don’t know.
I then walk downstairs and sit next to your spot on the couch, where I write these daily logs. Actually today I sat right on your spot, melody taught me its better to sit here so I don’t have to see that you are not sitting on your spot anymore. Many of these daily logs are painful to write, but I’ve learned that I must express my feelings somehow. So this has become my daily journal, therapeutic writing to be true to my own feelings. less
Andy LauI’m really glad and thankful that you and Jayden developed a relationship with Kiko in this past year. I’m not talking about just you and him living in the same house, but a personal bonding that you have developed with him. I love how you tease him... moreI’m really glad and thankful that you and Jayden developed a relationship with Kiko in this past year. I’m not talking about just you and him living in the same house, but a personal bonding that you have developed with him. I love how you tease him before you go to bed each night, and how him and Jayden chase each other in the house. I look back and I wish I could’ve done more of these, but I realize it truly would’ve been a tragedy if you, Jayden, and Kiko did not develop this relationship in seemingly just this past year. less
I always knew that day would eventually come, but none of us expected it to be Thursday. Kiko 好乖仔, he chose the best time and way for us, so that we wouldn’t have to choose. Thank you for making this less difficult for us, you gave us strength... moreI always knew that day would eventually come, but none of us expected it to be Thursday. Kiko 好乖仔, he chose the best time and way for us, so that we wouldn’t have to choose. Thank you for making this less difficult for us, you gave us strength in a time when we were weak. I will use this strength to learn every step of my new day. less
I will have to learn each step of my day without you. I don’t want to learn, but I know I have to. I’ll learn one step at a time, someday I’ll be able to get through all of them with a smile.
I’m not ready to let go, but I’ll learn with time. Tears are shed each day as I come across everything you’ve touched, you’ve been a part of my everyday for 13 wonderful years. I know in time I’ll be able to reminisce all the wonderful... moreI’m not ready to let go, but I’ll learn with time. Tears are shed each day as I come across everything you’ve touched, you’ve been a part of my everyday for 13 wonderful years. I know in time I’ll be able to reminisce all the wonderful memories you brought me, I remind myself as each tear is shed that I’m one step closer to this day. I cherish every one of your belongings now, but I blame myself for not cherishing you when I could. I’ll continue to surround my life with bits of you, you will forever be a part of me. less